My two favorite rom-coms were “The Mirror Has Two Faces” and “The Truth About Cats and Dogs.” Both have similar themes – a frumpy girl falls in love with an attractive man, and after a comedy of errors and mixed signals, the man realizes he is in love with the frumpy girl, and they live happily ever after. If you want to see me break down the problems with either of these movies in further depth on the Fine Beats and Cheeses podcast – go to https://fine-beats-cheeses.captivate.fm/episode/truth-about-cats-and-dogs or https://fine-beats-cheeses.captivate.fm/episode/mirror-has-two-faces. If you’re thinking – I’ve never heard of either of these movies! In “The Mirror,” the frumpy woman marries the attractive man with the caveat that the marriage is not based on sexual attraction but mutual like and respect. When it’s time to have a monthly congial visit, he rejects and leaves to go on tour. While he’s gone, the frumpy girl realizes she was always beautfiul and starts exercising and dressing sexy. Soon her sister’s sexy husband even wants to jump her bones, which makes the frumpy girl’s husband realize he had always been in love with her and had always been sexually attracted to her and sex in marriage/relationship isn’t a bad thing. The frumpy girl takes him back and they live happily ever after. In “The Truth,” the frumpy girl allows her glamorus friend to impersonate her because she doesn’t think the cute guy will like who she really is. The glam friend ends up falling for the guy too. However, the glam friend realizes that she is losing her first real friendship, she outs her frumpy friend to the cute guy. The cute guy realizes he loves the frumpy girl, frumpiness and all and they live happily ever after.
What I want to address in this post is something that is now painfully obvious to me but that I have not been willing to admit to myself. The reason why I identified so much with both these frumpy women was that I viewed myself as the frumpy woman, always falling for the gorgeous guy I would never get, and I lived vicariously through these two women in the movies. Like these women, I ignored the blinding fact that everyone else could see but not me – I am a beautiful woman, no matter what size I wore or what the number on the scale said. These women did something I have learned and realized I don’t ever want to do – they focused on getting the gorgeous guy to love and desire them, when they should have been focused on whether THEY loved and desired these men who couldn’t get past society’s ideas of beauty!
I am learning that I have to like the person I am dating and also be physically attracted to them. My feelings matter as much as theirs. If I’m too much for who I’m dating – they have the right to go find less. Just as I have the right to go find better, as well. I don’t have to settle and give up my agency to be involved with someone. I am trying to work on myself now. One thing I like about myself – the fact that I always want to change and grow. That I enjoy challenging myself with new and different experiences. I am constantly reinventing myself and my image. If the person I am dating can’t appreciate that or doesn’t want to join in my growth – they have the right to leave. I don’t need to convince anyone to stay. In addition, I also like talking about things people don’t like to bring up in polite society – religion, politics, and sex. If the person I’m dating isn’t willing to go there with me – they have the right to date someone else. I no longer will shrink to fit into someone else’s mold. Frankly, I won’t fit!
I love and like the image in the mirror now – not just what I look like, but the happiness and joy I see reflected back. The love and acceptance I chased to get from other people, I have found inside myself. I’ve heard female comedians joke that the second a woman loves and accepts herself, that’s when God sends the manipulative narcissist in her life. This is why I am writing this post – to remind my future self what I initially wanted before I ended up with said narcissist. I am also reminding my future self that if I have to get outside help to translate what the person I am dating is saying, I should be running from the person like he’s got fleas. As a podcaster said last week, “Clear is kind; unclear is unkind.” She also stated that you should “reserve your niceness to people who don’t bring out your tears.” Another podcaster stated, “The other side of hell is not heaven but YOUR hell because you don’t KNOW anything else.”
Future self – if you are still unclear about the person you are dating, do what I read a mother told her daughter to do – place name of the person you’re with in the place of the word “Love” in 1 Corinthians 13:4-8. If they don’t match everything those sentences say that love is – move the F on. They are not the one. Until next time – and for future self – Girl, we’re going to be alright.
R.R. Peace, Author and Poet 