This summer, I turn 55. Looking at my life, one would think I am going to die a single old woman with a house full of cats. Honestly, my response is – don’t threaten me with a good time. It’s not that I want to live without companionship. I did all the dating apps – secular and religious, free and paying through the nose. I attracted scammers and players. No one who wanted a serious relationship or commitment; they just wanted to play games. I am of the belief now if God want me to settle down, there is no power on the Earth that will stop Him from sending me “my person.” In the meantime, I am going out with friends, going to different events, and making new friends. I have chosen to live my life, instead of living viciously through the lives of my family members and friends or spending hours perfecting my dating profile just to get manipulated and conned for the millionth time.
Unfortunately, modern love has gone digital. Only a handful of friends my age met someone without an app, and they were either their high school sweetheart or someone they met during an activity. Nowadays, you have to watch for narcissists, anxious attachment, avoidant, or detached. Securely attached people are a rare and hot commodity. People are taking personality tests, as we used to figure out compatibility based on astrological signs. I am amused and saddened by the whole thing. What happened to talking to people and finding out who they really are? It there is intense connection right away, it tends to fizzle fast and then what are you left with? I guess if all you’re interested is in sex, then I guess it’s okay. But I’m looking for something more.
I don’t believe in soul mates. Too many family and friends have divorced and remarried for me to believe in that. I’m not into premarital sex. It’s a personal choice, not that I am a prude. I’m far from a saint. However, I have always believed (even when I was pagan) that my chastity was the gift I wanted to give to the man who wanted to make the ultimate commitment to me by marriage. Because when I decide to get married, it will be for keeps. As a woman surrounded by divorce, I understand that sometimes people have to divorce due to abuse issues or infidelity issues. However, I bristle at the choice to divorce someone because you have fallen out of love. It takes work to keep the spark going. Both you and your spouse have to make the effort to work on the relationship constantly. You can’t stop dating each other after the kids are born, because after the kids move out, you’re still stuck with your spouse and if your haven’t spent the years keeping the spark going with the kids in the house, twenty years later, you will find yourself sleeping next to a stranger.
I don’t view marriage as a contract that can easily get you out of. In my mind, marriage is not only for procreation but for the couple to help one another get to heaven. I believe there are three people in a marriage – you, your spouse, and God. No one should come between that bond – not even your kids. If you go into a marriage with divorce being an option, you should not be getting married and bringing children into that relationship. There is no shame if you want to be roommates with benefits if that is how you want to live your life. This is not the 19th century; this is the 21st century. For better or worse, society is more progressive. Marriage should not be a choice one is making under duress, either by family or society. Again, not the 19th century, single parenthood, and being single with furbabies is perfectly acceptable.
Looking at Bowie’s lyrics to the song “Modern Love,” I have to agree with the statement that “it terrifies me” because in the digital age, we have not put “our trust in God and man,” but a compatibility score on a dating app. We have to deal with terms like ghosting and gaslighting. I’m learning to enjoy my own company – well, with my spoiled, greedy cat, Oreo. I’m also making new friends and enjoying life on my terms, not allowing myself to be boxed in by other people’s opinions on how I should live my life. Jesse James sang. “I can do bad by myself, I don’t need no help to starve to death.” This is the year of the pivot – drama can see itself out.
Until next time!
R.R. Peace, Author and Poet 