Exposed!

I did an Open Mic Night last week and read four new poems that might be in my next poetry book. For the first time in my life, I felt like my throat was about to close up. At first, I thought I was about to have a panic attack in front of a packed restaurant. However, I realized that I was about to cry. Fortunately, I held it together – barely. I was surprised at how emotional I had gotten, until something important dawned on me.

This was the first time I was sharing these poems. My writer’s group had not vetted them. I had not sent them out in my newsletter. I was presenting poems that were in their pure, un-redacted form. The woman who had written these poems (2 from my 30s and 2 from this year), was voicing her pain and vulnerability to people who barely knew her. She was allowing herself to be seen without a mask or without an editor. And – she was happy, because I was allowing her to speak. For all my life, I forced this woman to shrink because she was too much. Tone down her awkwardness, immaturity, pain, and anger to please other people. Now she was allowed to just be – warts and all – unashamed and unapologetic.

I wasn’t the only one who got emotional over the poems I read. Some people in the audience also became emotional. I never thought that when I spoke my truth, other people would relate and feel seen as well. I realized that my path may be different from other people’s, but everyone has experienced the same emotions. All people can understand pain, longing, loneliness, sadness, and love. Just because the cause for those feelings is different does not negate them or make you any weirder or stranger than anyone else.

Today a podcaster said, “Be excited about life.” After a long time living the life based on what I thought people expected me to be, I am now living the life I want with no apologies, no people pleasing, and loving myself – even if sometimes I think I’m acting childish. It may have taken several years, but I am finally living my best life. Taking myself out of the shadow of lies I allowed myself to believe.

Until next time!