In February, one of the podcasters I was listening to said, “You can’t heal without having the conversations. In 2025, I started having difficult conversations with myself about my opinions of myself, my relationships, and the stories I told myself, in the past and presently. I know I can’t rewrite my past. What is done is done. However, I realize that I’m still writing my future with how I think of myself right now. This weekend, I had a come to Jesus moment about my apperance. My orginal plan was once I reached my personal goal weight, I would most likely have surgery to remove all my excess skin because I didn’t want the reminders of how far I had allowed myself to go. However, a response by two members of my medical treatment team, made me rethink my future weight maintenance plan.
I might have a healthy dose of body dysmorphia still in my thought patterns. I might not be as obese as I think I am. I might be clinging to what the BMI is saying and not what my actual body is saying. The BMI is telling me I need to lose an additional 70#s to be considered in the normal range for my height. However, based on my muscle and skeletal mass, I should not lose more than 50#s to be healthy structurally. Since my actual goal is to lose about 40-45#s, my medical treatment team thought that was a good and reasonble goal.
When it comes to additional surgery to remove extra skin, I had to ask myself, “What is my why?” Why did I want to undergo further surgery? Was it to have the perfect body that had alluded me all my life? Was I still seeking validation from someone other than myself? If the world were going to end tomorrow, what would be more important to me – having the perfect body or spending time with my family and friends? I realized I was focusing on the wrong things again.
I got healthy for me, so I could walk up a flight of stairs without having an asthma attack. So I could bend down without knee or back pain. So I could come off over 30 medications and supplements I was taking. In the past four years, I have cut my meds/supplements in half. The ones I am taking are for conditions I have, despite my weight. After a lot of discipline and help from several personal trainers, I am in a healthier place physically. Why would I jeopardize that for additional surgery just to be perfect? I had forgotten I was admitted with sepsis after my most recent surgery. I was about to tempt God (or what others might say – tempt fate) to force me to consider my mortality again. Was I crazy? Probably. I was reminded that the price is too high to try to fit into society’s concept of beauty.
So I need to go back to size affirmation school, lol. I need to continue to work on loving myself, extra skin and all. The right person will love me, never seeing my perceived body imperfections. I need to continue to daily work on whatever version of my body and personality that I wake up with in the morning. A podcaster said last week, “You can never get enough of what you don’t need.” I don’t need any additional surgery, unless it’s to fix the image of perfection in my head. Like Beyoncé says in her song, ‘Pretty Hurts’, “Perfection is the disease of a nation….It’s the soul that needs a surgery.” The cure for my disease of perfection is to accept my humanness, and I plan to surgically remove society’s programming from my internal software. Anyone care to join me?
Until next time!
R.R. Peace, Author and Poet 